Evil in a New Way
by Snark-N-Moon
Summary: Poorly written Doofenshmirtz/Agent P comedic fluff fic. When Agent P is called in to foil Dr. Doofenshmirtz's evil plan that somehow involves flowers, chocolate and cards, what will happen? The predictable.


It was another beautiful day in the Danville area, or so said the perky weather man in an obvious toupee. Linda Fletcher clicked the abandoned television off as she raced around to get ready for her baking class, so the rest of the forecast was lost in the Fletcher-Flynn household that morning. Although this didn't matter much to the youngest two in the family.

Phineas and Ferb were already outside, and they could tell for themselves it was going to be a beautiful day. Phineas was stretched out on the lawn under the tree in the back yard, where he did his best thinking. His brother Ferb sat not too far away, reading a book, while their pet platypus Perry napped in between them in the cool shade.

Phineas smiled as he watched the birds flit and flutter and swoop in the early morning light. Oh how grand it would be to- wait. Thinking to himself was more Ferb's thing. He took a deep breath.

"Hey, Ferb." his brother looked up from his book and regarded him with his wide-eyed blank stare.

"Wouldn't it be awesome if we could fly like those birds up there?" Phineas asked, pointing to the sky filled with birds. Ferb looked to be considering this idea. "I mean... it just looks like they're having so much fun. … Ferb! I know what we're gonna do today!" declared the red-headed boy, jumping up. Suddenly he deflated some.

"But how would we get that to work, I wonder..." to which Ferb responded by promptly handing his brother a set of blueprints. Phineas' smile returned as he leafed through it. "Ferb, you're a genius! … Hey, where's Perry?" The patch of grass where their pet had been napping only minutes before was empty now.

~0~0~0~0~

Meanwhile, in a secret lair under the house, Agent P sat in a small red chair, facing a large screen. Major Monogram suddenly appeared on the screen, and the two shared a quick salute.

"Good morning, Agent P. As I'm sure you could guess, Dr. Doofenshmirtz is up to his old tricks again. Or, at least we think so. He's been spotted purchasing vast amounts of chocolates, cards, and flowers." Agent P raised an eyebrow in a questioning manner. Monogram shrugged and looked over the report again.

"Well, that's what it says. It doesn't sound evil, but knowing Dr. Doofenshmirtz, it probably is. We need YOU to get in there, and see what it's all about." If the semi-aquatic agent still felt any doubt about the situation, he didn't show it as he gave another quick salute, and took off in his rocket car.

The giant television screen stayed on, however, as Monogram was too busy reading over the report again to remember to turn it off.

"Sir?" came a nasally voice from somewhere off-screen. "We caught Dr. Doofenshmirtz scrubbing his toilet earlier too. Should I have reported that? You never know, that could be part of some evil scheme too." said Carl, with a snicker. Monogram's jaw dropped.

"Great Googly-moogly! You mean- wait. Were you being sarcastic, Carl?" Monogram glared.

"Wouldn't think of it, sir."

~0~0~0~0~

Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporateeed!

Arriving at his destination in an impossibly short time, Agent P pulled up to the side of the tall, ominous building that was Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. and parked it next to a conveniently open window, which was next to a conveniently placed... parking meter? All the way up there? The agent huffed in annoyance and dug around in his non-existent pockets until he found a quarter and hastily shoved it into the slot. Perry then watched, dumbfounded, as the meter's base began to elongate, and the meter its self transformed into a large mechanical claw-like hand and lunged at the agent, trapping him in an uncomfortably tight grip.

The mechanical arm continued to lengthen until it was long enough to reach through the open window, and into Doofenshmirtz's top floor, where he just happened to be.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus! How do you like my coin-operated trap, eh?" the mad scientist beamed. His captive stopped struggling long enough to roll his eyes. Doofenshmirtz scowled.

"Fine. Don't appreciate my hard work! You still fell for it, so nya-nya, I win." Agent P stopped struggling. He was used to the routine by now. Right on cue, Doofenshmirtz spun around to gesture to a sizable hunk of machinery that was facing out of another window. It looked to be a ray gun of sorts, with a telescope and dual hand controls.

"Aaanyway. Behold; my Kiss-Me-Inator!" A long, awkward silence followed. Finally Doofenshmirtz turned back around to see Perry the Platypus giving him an unimpressed stare. Doofenshmirtz stared back.

"Or, maybe I should shorten it to, 'Kiss-inator' , because you know, it doesn't only effect me, but any two people it hits, and uh... you know what, I'm rambling here, so let's just move this along now." The mad scientists hated awkward moments, and they seemed abundant when that platypus was around. He nervously scratched the back of his head, before perking up as he remembered that which he'd forgotten.

"Oh yes! My tragic back story, I'd almost forgotten!" came his redundant remark. Fade in to flashback, where we see Doofenshmirtz as a small child, standing alone, looking around, rather confused. Quickly fade back out.

"Wait, no, actually this didn't take part in my childhood, perse..." the platypus sighed in frustration. Doofenshmirtz continued. "You see, Perry the Platypus, growing up, I was quite the ladies' man, ah? I had so many dates, and not with ugly girls like you'd probably accuse me of if you could talk, Perry the Platypus, oh no, these were pretty girls!" This was met with another eye roll from his captive. "Aaanyway. Every one of them ended in horrible failure. None of them wanted to kiss me! Can you believe that, Perry the Platypus? I mean, seriously, how hard is it to kiss a guy!" Doofenshmirtz threw his hands in the air in a short fit of anger. The platypus regarded him with a silent, unimpressed stare once again. The scientist sighed sadly and drooped. "Perry the Platypus... now, be honest with me here. Is it me? Do you think it's me? Am I un-kissable?" he asked his nemesis. Perry looked alarmed as Doofenshmirtz moved towards him, and started struggling again.

"Could it, could it be my breath?" he asked, bending down to face the struggling captive, and purposefully breathing in his face. Agent P's eyes began to water and he turned his head to the side, coughing and gasping for air. Doofenshmirtz's scowl returned. "Oh, what do you know! You're just a platypus." he retorted, standing back up and spinning around to conveniently lose sight of Perry the Platypus' accusing gaze, and made his way over to a large bin filled to the brim with half-melted chocolates.

"But I bet you're wondering what all of these chocolates, cards and flowers are for, hah? Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Nosey. They're to power my Kiss-inator! Just pour... uhg, wow, this is heavier than I expected..." Agent P watched as the scrawny scientist struggled to get the bin over to the large funnel-shaped attachment that was welded to the side of the machine. Once he'd managed to, he leaned on it and wiped his brow.

"That is... pheew, that is REALLY a workout. I- wait, what am I doing, NORM!"

Seconds later, there was a loud crash as Doofenshmirtz's giant robot came crashing through the wall with his stiff gait. Doofenshmirtz growled in anger. "Norm! How many times have I told you to use the door! It's bad enough to have Perry the Platypus constantly breaking down my doors and walls," Perry looked guilty. "I don't need it from you, too!"

"Hi, I'm Norm! Do you want my help, or don't you?" asked the gigantic clumsy robot. Doofenshmirtz sighed in defeat. "Yes, yes, I'm sorry Norm. Could you please pour these three bins into my inator for me?" he asked tiredly, gesturing to said bins. Norm did as he was told, and began pouring the contents into the machine.

Agent P knew he was running out of time, and struggling didn't seem to be helping any. He didn't see any release control for this contraption that had him, nor any part of it his hat could possibly slice through. But if he could only REACH his hat...

Norm finished loading the machine. Doofenshmirtz gave him a half-hearted wave. "Thanks, Norm."

"You're welcome!" boomed the robot, crashing through the same wall and making another hole as he left. "Oh come on! Now you're doing it on purpose!" Doofenshmirtz yelled after him.

The mad scientist's bad mood was soon lifted as he faced his new inator, and he rubbed his hands together with anticipation. "Time to try out my new inatoooor" he sang. He got into position, both hands on the controls, and peered through the telescope. It was currently pointed toward a small park in the middle of town. That might work. He shifted the machine, with great effort, until the sights landed on an old man and a young woman sitting on a park bench. Bingo!

Doofenshmirtz pressed the fire buttons. The machine began to make a labored chugging sound as the old, used parts that were used to build it warmed up. "Oh, right, it has to warm up first. I had to use second-hand parts to build it, I'm on a budget right now you see and- OOF!" he turned around just in time to receive a webbed foot to the face, followed soon after by a tiny body-slam, which had them both tumbling to the floor.

"Perry the Platypus?" cried Doof, as he narrowly avoided a small fist to his face from the agent on top of him. "What are you doing out of your trap, how did you escape!" Agent P quit trying to pummel Dr. Doofenshmirtz long enough to hold out a long metal object.

"A crowbar? Are you serious? Where did you even GET one of those?"

Instead of providing an answer, he provided Doof with a black eye. Doofenshmirtz threw his arms up to protect himself and cried, "WAIT!" to which the platypus actually obeyed. "What is that beeping sound? Do you hear it, Perry the Platypus, it's like beeep, beeep, beeep, like that..." both of them froze and turned slowly to the Kiss-inator, which had been spun around in their initial struggle, and was now fully charged and pointed directly at the two of them.

There was just enough time for Doofenshmirtz to utter a colorful curse word German and the machine went off, enveloping them both in a bright yellow flash for a few seconds. When the dazzling light cleared, both were silent and afraid to move.

The awkward silence stretched out for what seemed like years. But nothing was happening. Both Perry and Doofenshmirtz looked around the best they could without moving. Nothing. Finally Perry shrugged, and turned back to continue pummeling the mad scientist.

This proved to be a bad idea, however, because as soon as their eyes locked, both of them could feel all anger, and along with it, all control, slipping away. In the next second, Doofenshmirtz hid his lanky arms around the semi-aquatic mammal, who's own tiny hands were planted on either side of the scientist's head, and both were sharing a rather deep and passionate kiss.

Eventually the kiss was broken, and as they pulled apart, out of breath, looking once again into each other's eyes … reality set in all at once.

Perry's eyes went wide as his pupils contracted to tiny dots. The small mammal's stomach began to churn and he jumped off of the doctor, fell to his hands and knees on the floor and began coughing, gagging and finally dry-heaving.

Doofenshmirtz sat up and wiped his mouth off on his sleeve, scowling at Perry's theatrics.

"Oh come on, that was ten TIMES worse for me! Uhhg, your mouth tastes like dirt and beetles, yuck!" Doofenshmirtz spat a few times to get his point across. He was ignored as the heaving continued.

Doofenshmirtz slowly got to his feet and spun the Kiss-inator back around so it was facing out the window again.

"Well, I guess it works..." he said, mostly to himself. He set the sights again, happy to see the couple were still sitting on that same bench, but now they seemed to be having a conversation. "Now, to see if it works long-distance!" he was about to press the fire button again, but paused. "I SAID, now to see if it works long-distance!" he said again, louder this time. "I am about to press the button..." nothing.

"Oh come on, Perry the Platypus, aren't you even going to TRY stopping me again? I mean, sheesh-" he spun around to see Agent P busy frantically scrubbing his tongue with an over-sized toothbrush. Doofenshmirtz grunted in frustration and rolled his eyes. You are being such a baby about this, you know that? You're such a drama queen, Perry the Platypus." The agent froze for a few seconds, seemed to consider this, and then continued to scrub with renewed vigor.

"Fine! I don't need you! Prepare to meet your DOOM, … random people in the park! Well, not really doom, I guess, but still... oh, who am I even talking to anymore." And he pressed the button once again.

This time the machine was already warmed up, and fired immediately. The doctor grinned as the laser engulfed the two people in the park, just as easily as it had them. He watched in anticipation as the woman leaned in... and then after a moment... got up and walked away, leaving the man to feed the pigeons alone.

Doofenshmirtz let out a cry of frustration.

"Oh, you're kidding me! I had such high hopes for this thing, and it doesn't even work long-distance!" he shouted, retrieving the instruction sheet from his lab coat pocket and looking over it. Suddenly his face went slack and his eyes went wide. Soon he was smiling and laughing. "Oh, I forgot the diamonds! Of course, I can be such a noodle-head sometimes. Without the diamonds, this thing is nothing more than a, a, glorified flashlight! I doesn't even..."

The chuckling died down and then stopped completely. Doofenshmirtz and Perry the Platypus stood staring blankly at each other. There was a click-clack as the toothbrush fell from the platypus' limp hand, his bill agape and right eye twitching.

"... do anything. … eh heh heh... well, this is awkwaaard."

And awkward it was. Doofenshmirtz coughed. "Well, uh... what do you say we forget any of this ever happened, and never speak of it again. Okay, Perry the Platypus?" Agent P nodded once, turned around and stiffly walked out the door.

"Oh, right, Curse you Perry the Platypus." Doofenshmirtz called after him blandly. The mad scientist stood there for a few minutes longer. "Hm, you know, I'm not really sure why I would NEED this to work long-distance, now that I think about it."

~0~0~0~0~0~

Meanwhile, back at the Fletcher-Flynn household, a group of circus performers were hauling away the mechanical bird wings the boys had built and were done with, to use in their act. Phineas and Ferb waved as the performers rode away with the wings on their elephant. Not two seconds after they were out of sight, Candace barged into the yard, dragging their mom along behind her.

"See! I'm not lying! They built these metal bird wings, and they're flying! FLYING I tell you!" Candace ranted manically. Linda Fletcher saw both of her boys, standing in the yard, doing a whole lot of not flying. Linda shook her head. "Hi, boys. Who wants snacks?"

"Hi, mom! I do!" said Phineas. Ferb seemed to agree.

"Aright then you two, come on inside and wash up first. Candace, you too honey. You don't look so well."

"But... but... but..."

On his way inside Phineas almost tripped over Perry.

"Oh, there you are, Perry!" he said, scooping up the platypus and holding him up to his face. "Almost didn't see you there. You're awfully quiet today." to which Perry chattered to assure he was fine. Phineas sniffed.

"Huh. Your breath smells better today. Did mom start buying you new food?" Perry responded with a brainless stare. Phineas chuckled, set Perry down, and went inside for snacks.

Perry went back to the yard to do some thinking. Candace was sitting out there still. Perry sat beside her.

"But... but... but..." finally Candace gave up and sighed heavily. Perry did the same.

End.


End file.
